Listening is not a spectator sport.

Rules For Active Listening

Communication between individuals can be a powerful tool that nurtures positive feelings of love, admiration and respect. On the other hand though, it can create negative emotions such as hurt feelings or anger. Learning an effective way to communicate will help prevent conflict from damaging your relationship. Listening, though a silent act, is still an active part of communication. In short, listening is not a spectator sport!

Active Listening Rule #1: Listen

This rule is pretty straight forward, but is also often easier said than done. You must be prepared to actively listen to what is being said. This means that you aren’t talking or planning a response to what your partner is saying. Active listening conveys that you’ve understood what the speaker is saying. Body language can also communicate either positive or negative things to the speaker. Make sure your body language signals that you are listening intently to your partner.

1 We Can Work it Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other, Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., & Howard Markman, Ph.D. Penguin Putnam Inc, New York, NY, 1994. 2 Ibid, p 231. July 2008

Active Listening Rule #2: Stop, Pause, Replay

After the speaker has communicated their point, pause to reflect on what has been said. Replay in your own words what you believe the speaker tried to communicate. Restating in your words what the speaker said achieves two things:

1. It lets the speaker know that their communication has been
received in the way they intended.

2. It also lets the speaker know that you’ve understood what they
communicated.

Active Listening Rule #3: Replay, Not Re-Butt

As tempting as it can be to use your replay moment [see Rule #2 above] as an opportunity to further state your point or voice a disagreement, doing so is actually counter-productive to the idea of communicating as a couple. It places one person’s opinion against the other’s. Stick to using your words to describe what the speaker has said to you.

Active Listening Rule #4: The Art of Understanding

Conveying that you understand what has been communicated, shows your partner that you are paying attention and are invested emotionally in the process. It produces a feeling of validation for your partner. Showing that you understand their message also communicates that sharing sensitive thoughts and feelings with you can be done without fear of criticism or attack. Keep the “give and take” of communication functional. Being an attentive listener means that you have understood what your partner has said.

3 Fighting For Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, Howard Markman,
Scott Stanley, Susan Blumberg. Jossey-Boss Publishers, San Francisco, CA, 1994. 4 We Can Work it Out, p 231.
http://healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/listening.pdf